Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

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    VBBN

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    Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  VBBN on Wed Oct 06, 2010 11:48 pm

    So I decided to start writing a story. I know,shocking. But people say I have a descritivemind so I figure let's see how it goes.

    Anyways here is the first couple paragraphs of the story;

    Chapter 1

    Present day

    His eyes were closed, yet the brightness penetrating his eyes was brighter than if they were open. He felt as if he were falling into the depths of his worst nightmare, yet he was laying in a bed. Not the most comfortable bed, mind you, more along the lines of a thin 3 inch matress with a sheet on it, hard pillow, and the smell of cheap bleach roused from it. The bottom of another bed beared upon him, as he lay in the bottom of the bunk. He tried to sleep, but it was useless. The mimicks of others, taunting their cellmates, echoed throughout his mind. He felt as if he were burning into the sun, as the sweat dripped down his face. A scream now, as he clenched his eyes tighter and beat down on his bed with his fist. He opened his eyes then, though all was blurry. When his vision cleared, he was struck with the reality of what had happened. As he looked forwards, bars met his sight. A metal sink was behind him to the right of the bed. And a person in a black outfit walked by, a reflective golden object on his chest gleamed. He had failed his mission. He, was in Lockdown Creek.

    -------------------------
    1 Month Ago

    His hand grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it shut, the sound of the door shattering the quiet of night. His name was Matt Gereck, and sitting next to him was Pedro Siglemin. Both were American citizens, however Pedro was of a Mexican ethnicity. Matt had medium length hair that was slapped into a bed hair look. At the moment he was wearing straight leg jeans, dirty white tennis shoes, a plain white long sleeve shirt and a purple hoodie. Pedro had short, spiked, black hair which met down his chin and under his nose to form a beard and mustache however it was shaved down. He had baggy jeans, black hightop shoes, and a white collared shirt on. Both men were in their early 20s. Pedro turned his head to look at matt. "This is it, Matteo. By the end of this day, we will have completed our task. Pakanov will get what he wants, and we will get back what is rightfully ours." Pedro said

    "Drive." matt said to another man in the front of the vehicle they were in. Matt and Pedro were in the row of seats behind the front seats of the car. The man was in the drivers seat. The vehicle, a black delivery van with sliding doors, sprang to life and began to move. The van had at once been white, however Matt had painted it black to provide more cover since they would operate at night.

    A half hour passed as the clock struck 11:00pm, but it felt like a lifetime. The van came to a stop. If Matt and Pedro were tired, they showed no sign of it as Matt slid the side door open and they leaped out, running to the back of the van. Pedro opened the trunk. He reached in and pulled out something black. As the taillights of the van light it, it could be seen that it was a gun, an M93 Raffica. He then pulled out a silver handgun. It had at once been a Baretta but after extensive work it was almost completely custom made. He handed the handgun to Matt. He placed it in a custom stitched holster on the inside of his hoodie. Pedro folded put the Raffica in the back of his jeans and pulled his shirt down over it. They both grabbed loaded backpacks and various other things they threw into their pockets. They then shut the rear of the van, and at the exact moment they did, it took off. They began running cross the street towards a building in downtown Chicago. The sign on the building read "Chicago TRN National" It was the grand new bank that had just opened in Chicago, and the amount of cash that was held inside was of a grand amount. The bank was closed at this time of night, which meant extra security was at guard. Matt ducked behind a bush. Pedro ran up to the bank near the drive through window.

    Matt watched as Pedro reached into his pocket and pulled out a round file and began to dig at the grout in bricks of the building near the bottom. Before long he had made the rough shape of a square big enough for a human to climb in through. He dug until he was through the bricks. He tore them our with a crowbar, making sure all of his actions were quiet. The cover of a tree protected anyone from seeing him, and matt hiding amongst the bushes kept a lookout. Pedro had removed the bricks and now faced a wall of steel. He reached for his backpack, and pulled out a torch. He began to melt along the edges of the metal and watched as it slowly melted and dripped. Small bits of molten metal hit the grass, but were quickly extinguished. When he had melted through the metal, he put on a pair of heavy gloves and pulled out a small canister. He opened the lid and threw the liquid inside on the top edge of the metal. Liquid Nitrogen. He grabbed the crow bar and tore the metal plate loose. He jumped back as it hit the ground. The final obstacle was the cinderblocks that marked the walls of the inside of the bank. He used a similar method as he did with the bricks to cut through the grout, then pushed the cinderblocks inside, then threw the bricks in after them. Pedro threw his backpack through the hole then crawled through. Meanwhile, Matt had taken a saw from his backpack and cut the bush he had been hiding behind off it's roots. He dragged it over to the hole. He threw in his backpack then crawled in, placing the bush on top of the plate in front of the hole.

    Matt stood and brushed himself off. He glanced around. They had entered a small office area. It was on the ground level of the bank, which in total was a 10 story building. 2 stories underground, below the ground level, was the vaults and database. Matt turned to a noise in the corner of the office. It was Pedro, who was already beginning the next stage of attack. He had pulled out a roll of duct tape. So much for not being a classic criminal Matt thought, humored. Pedro signaled to Matt, who in turn ran and backed up to the wall next to the closed office door. Pedro stood against the door. Calculations of various security observations led Matt and Pedro to believe there were only two guards on the ground floor. Pedro grabbed the door handle. "One chance, Matteo." Pedro whispered. He turned the knob, and pushed.

    -------------------------

    Thats not the whole of chapter 1, its just the first part of it. Anyways let me know of your thoughts. In particular, let me know of your thoughts on the following;

    -My description/detail
    -My style of writing
    -If you want to see more of this story
    -Overall thoughts

    Thanks
    Veebs


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    Custom 333

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    Re: Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  Custom 333 on Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:56 pm

    TL;DR version soon?
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    80-0

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    Re: Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  80-0 on Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:55 pm

    You're saying this version is NOT too long so that you didn't read it?

    Intriguing. Though in the 1 Month Ago story, it is entirely in third person, with the narrator never referring to himself, whereas in the Present Day, he is in first person. He doesn't give his name though and we don't know if the Present Day person is Matt Gereck, Pedro Siglemin, or Pakanov.

    Intriguing, I say again.
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    VBBN

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    Re: Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  VBBN on Sun Oct 10, 2010 12:59 pm

    Not one part of the story is in first person. In order to be a first person narrative, first person pronouns must be used, of which I use none. Therefore, all is in third person. And all will be revealed, obvsiouly there is more of the past storyline to complete which will tie into the resent day stroyline.

    80-0 wrote:You're saying this version is NOT too long so that you didn't read it?

    Intriguing. Though in the 1 Month Ago story, it is entirely in third person, with the narrator never referring to himself, whereas in the Present Day, he is in first person. He doesn't give his name though and we don't know if the Present Day person is Matt Gereck, Pedro Siglemin, or Pakanov.

    Intriguing, I say again.


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    Darman

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    Re: Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  Darman on Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:51 pm

    I think this story is great but are you going to use the same blow torch, nitrogen technique for the vault doors? Yes a blow torch is capable of melting through steel since the temperature it can reach is about 5000 Degrees F and the melting point of melting is around 2500°F if these sites I used are correct it would still take a long time to melt through a steel door that is what I'm assuming is about 2-5 inches thick maybe thicker. In fact you would probably need more then one blow torch and a crap ton of liquid nitrogen to melt through a door like that. I'm just a bit worried the realism might suffer in this story, but other then that brilliant job.
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    VBBN

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    Re: Lockdown Creek; Story teaser

    Post  VBBN on Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:54 pm

    Darman wrote:I think this story is great but are you going to use the same blow torch, nitrogen technique for the vault doors? Yes a blow torch is capable of melting through steel since the temperature it can reach is about 5000 Degrees F and the melting point of melting is around 2500°F if these sites I used are correct it would still take a long time to melt through a steel door that is what I'm assuming is about 2-5 inches thick maybe thicker. In fact you would probably need more then one blow torch and a crap ton of liquid nitrogen to melt through a door like that. I'm just a bit worried the realism might suffer in this story, but other then that brilliant job.
    You will see. ;]


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